Counseling and psychotherapy for individuals, couples and families.

Person Centred Counselling and Psychotherapy 

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What about the role of Father?

Reuben Turkie

‘Whether the subject receives support from the mother, or has differences with the mother, or is neglected by the mother, biographers tend to enlarge mother with mythical greatness, confusing the power of her archetypal image with the power of the individual”[1]                           - James Hillman, The Souls Code


It is a firmly established belief that contact and bonding with mother in the first year of life and immediately after birth establishes a more secure foundation for adult life. Within the first few days if a mother has been able to breast feed the colostrum in their milk nourishes and protects the newborn baby.  But the skin to skin, physical warmth, comfort, and presence must also begin to form a secure attachment type. Of course, as life continues, circumstances can disrupt this. A mother may choose to return to work after around 9 months and whilst the baby has developed significantly in this time, part of that development would be the realisation of absence. In our modern world, it is increasingly common for the dad to step up as primary care giver whilst Mum works, or for the baby to be left in the hands of a relative stranger in childcare. I cared for our first born at this stage as did my father for me, some 41 years ago. The mother may feel torn. A degree of guilt and even shame at making this decision, but she also has just as much right as a man to continue her career pathway.  Assuming the father is adept in expressing physical and emotional comfort, the transference of baby from one gender to another would seem to have little or no impact. When, in therapy circles we refer to adult attachment types, does a baby cared for by both parents develop ambivalent attachment styles? I would suggest not. Rather that the combined love has instilled a secure one – a well-rounded and adapted adult.


Too much onus seems to be attributed to the responsibility of mother to have an innate ability to care, provide love, protect, and nurture. Very little space is given to the millions of fathers who also provide these essential needs. I believe this creates an unhealthy dichotomy - portraying the mother as pious and the father as inept. In The Souls Code, Hillman justifies the absent father as ‘necessary’, because he is the connection with the outside world. This is a sexist outlook, it assumes women are housebound and excuses men to have the freedom to do as they please, even beyond the workplace. Yet, I have had several female clients with absent fathers, who seem to have a similar reasoning – “Oh, I’ve accepted that dad was always working to provide, its rubbish but I understand why he had to.” Really? In 2021, are we not trying to address the imbalance and inequality seen towards women and their opportunities and salaries? Do we not also have more families where both Mum and Dad work long and hard hours?  


Hillman went on to speak of how fathers are depicted as a bit stupid and incapable, the archetypal Homer Simpson springs to mind.  While this may be true, it only serves to feed the idea that women are somehow better at raising children. Yes, mothers the world round do give love, dedication, nurturing, care, and moral fibre with complete unassuming grace. But not all of them. Fathers are given more opportunity to fulfil the roles previously assigned to women in the home and many are just as capable. Sometimes the expectation to prove themselves can make a man’s work in the home or with his children shine even brighter, due to the conscious effort applied.


There are countless men who choose to and always wanted to be highly active fathers and know that this means committing on every level. Men who know how to provide the most sincere and nourishing type of love for their children.  We may all get it wrong sometimes, but if the fundamental principles and needs of a child are met, I believe this can come from either gender. While some recognition and praise is given to such fathers, there is still a leaning towards the idea that a mother will somehow love better, more completely or naturally. This seems unfair when there are many examples of absent or dysfunctional mothers as well as fathers. People who have had no template of how to love, struggle to give and receive it. But they can learn how to. I have helped a father with this predicament recently. Simply by opening up and finding better, more congruent ways to express his feelings as well as trying to understand his sons needs better, he left therapy a changed man – a changed father.


Then there is the scenario of same sex parents. Having been partially raised in a same sex relationship and having a sibling who was entirely raised by two women, I think I can testify to this. My sister raised by my Mum and her now ex female partner is in a very solid, mature relationship. One where they have openly discussed their attachment styles and needs. Even choosing to separate for a while whilst each one worked on theirs before reuniting. 


It is refreshing to see that Celebrity gay couples such as Elton John and David Furnish and their two boys have been widely reported with a sense of normality. Even the tabloids seem to have steered away from homophobic criticism or judgement of their ability as fathers, tending to focus more on the age difference between the two men. 


The fact remains that so long as the child’s fundamental and wider nurturing needs are met, it really should not make any difference what gender has provided them with this. A child with love, encouragement, praise and recognition will flourish in life, one without will wither. A child with one parent giving more of the nurturing and the other lacking these skills or being absent, will be affected and no doubt confused. But again, I don’t think we can attribute more weight to how affected the child or adult is based on gender alone.


[1]
HILLMAN, J., 2017. SOUL'S CODE. [S.l.]: BALLANTINE.



by Reuben Turkie/Kayleigh Hawkins 2 July 2024
Often, when we are stressed out or in anxious mind, we can easily overlook what is going on for us physically. The overthinking becomes all consuming. The ruminating mind battles to find solutions, a way out. The multi-directional thought processes, for some can become unbearable. Neurologically, our central nervous system is in overdrive, it cannot get a break. Within our brains, this is our amygdala where we process emotions firing on all cylinders. The frontal lobe, where we find logic has been dampened or even shut down, hence why we feel so anxious. At its worst case, this can lead to debilitating panic attacks. This is why simple breathing techniques can help us reconnect to calming the central nervous system. Just three deep breaths can have an immensely grounding effect. What we do know is that self-care and tuning into somatic or bodily responses to stress and anxiety can be the perfect antidote. In the below blog, Holistic Therapist/Mentor, Kayleigh Hawkins explains how hot stone massage is just one of many options to tune into our bodies, alleviating the overthinking mind, physical strains and stresses of everyday life. Over to Kayleigh… Firstly let's look at stressors, you may not be able to control the stressors, but you can control how you react to them! One of the best ways to get in the right mindset to tackle your stressors head-on is by focusing on your internal and external wellness. Some of the most helpful self-care strategies are things that we can look forward to doing, such as booking a hot stone massage. A hot stone massage is the ultimate “treat yourself” moment that offers relaxation by using massage and heat therapy to calm your nervous system and jumpstart mental and physical healing. Ready to book the ultimate “ahhhhhh” moment? Here’s everything you need to know before you book a hot stone massage. What is a Hot Stone Massage? A hot stone massage is a massage in which the massage therapist places smooth, hot stones on your back. These stones provide heat therapy to the muscles, which can help reduce tension and pain. The stones used in hot stone massage are typically basalt, volcanic rock that is usually high in iron, which allows them to absorb heat. The placement of the stones during a hot stone massage will depend on the muscles and tissues that are being worked on. For example, if you have lower back pain, the masseuse may place the hot stones along your spine. The technique that the massage therapist uses with the hot stones will depend on your specific needs. Therapists often use circular movements, kneading, long strokes, and vibrations. Why Get a Hot Stone Massage? Hot stone massage can relieve pain and tension in your muscles due to the combination of massage therapy and heat. Heat is often recommended as a way to treat achy muscles. Applying heat to an area of the body helps increase blood flow to that spot, which improves healing. People that regularly book hot stone massages may: Sleep better Decrease their stress and anxiety levels Loosen tight or sore muscles Improve blood circulation Relieve symptoms of arthritis Reduce pain and inflammation Increase metabolism How to Prepare for Hot Stone Massage It is important to make sure you are well hydrated both before and after your session. It is also advised not to eat any large meals prior to your appointment. Dress comfortably. Need help booking a relaxing hot stone massage Check out Just Breathe Therapies
by Kelsey Taylor 15 April 2024
Photo via Pexels In a world where fast food is more accessible than fresh produce and sedentary lifestyles are the norm, battling obesity has become a central issue for many men. Your health is your wealth, and by adopting a wellness-focused approach to life, you can fight obesity and reclaim your vigor. This journey requires dedication, discipline, and a comprehensive strategy that goes beyond mere dieting. In this article, courtesy of RT Counselling , we’ll go over a few ways you can stay fit by incorporating lifestyle changes into your daily routine. Fit Fitness into Your Busy Schedule Balancing a busy schedule with fitness can seem daunting, but incorporating small exercises throughout your day makes a big difference. Opt for stairs instead of elevators and embrace a brisk walk during lunch. These simple swaps fit seamlessly into your daily routine , enhancing fitness without demanding extra time. Such strategies ensure you stay active, combating obesity effectively amidst a hectic life. Unwind and Thrive Your body reacts to stress by releasing cortisol, a hormone that can lead to weight gain, especially around your midsection. Counteract this by integrating stress-relieving practices into your everyday life. Activities like yoga, meditation, and deep breathing not only reduce stress but also improve your emotional wellbeing , making you less likely to turn to food for comfort. By addressing stress head-on, you're laying a strong foundation for a healthier lifestyle that combats obesity. Find Your Fitness Passion Exercise shouldn't be a chore. To sustain an active lifestyle, it's crucial to discover activities that excite you. Whether it's the tranquility of swimming, the adventure of hiking, or the camaraderie of team sports, finding what you love is key to maintaining motivation. When you look forward to your workouts, staying fit becomes a part of your life rather than a dreaded task, making it easier to keep obesity at bay. The Power of Sleep Never underestimate the role of sleep in your fight against obesity. Adequate rest is paramount for regulating the hormones that control hunger and fullness. Ensuring you receive enough high-quality sleep each night can prevent overeating and help maintain a healthy weight. Consider your bedroom a sanctuary and prioritize conditions that promote restful sleep, such as minimizing screen time before bed and maintaining a consistent sleep schedule. Mental Health Matters Obesity and mental health are intricately linked. Issues such as depression and anxiety can lead to unhealthy eating habits and weight gain, but many men find it challenging to ask for help. Acknowledging and addressing any mental health disorders is crucial in your journey towards wellness. Don't hesitate to seek professional help when needed and incorporate practices that reduce stress into your routine. Often the shame and self-loathing assosciated to weight can be prohibiting and talking through and addressing these feelings can help get better control of them. A healthy mind is just as important as a healthy body in your fight against obesity. Hydration is Key Drinking water is essential for overall health and can be particularly helpful in managing weight. Often, our bodies can confuse thirst with hunger, leading to unnecessary snacking. By staying well-hydrated, you support your metabolism and help suppress appetite, making it easier to avoid overeating. Aim to drink water throughout the day, especially before meals, to aid in digestion and weight management. It’s also crucial to ensure that your body is getting enough water as you workout , so keeping a water bottle with you is advisable. Mastering Portion Control In today's supersized world, understanding portion sizes is more important than ever. Overeating, even healthy foods, can contribute to weight gain. Use tools like smaller plates and measuring cups to serve your meals, and listen to your body's hunger cues to avoid mindless eating . This simple yet effective strategy can help you enjoy your meals without falling into the trap of overindulgence. Embrace a Balanced Diet A nutritious diet is the cornerstone of any weight management plan. Focus on filling your plate with a variety of whole foods , such as fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains. These foods are not only rich in essential nutrients but also high in fiber, which can keep you feeling full longer. By embracing moderation and variety in your diet, you can satisfy your taste buds while nourishing your body and combating obesity. For men, tackling obesity requires a holistic approach that goes beyond dieting and exercise. By integrating stress management, finding joy in physical activity, prioritizing rest, fitting exercise into a busy schedule, addressing mental health, staying hydrated, practicing portion control, and eating a balanced diet, you can create a sustainable lifestyle that promotes weight loss and improves overall health. Remember, the journey to wellness is a marathon, not a sprint. With perseverance and a positive mindset, you can achieve your health goals and enjoy a vibrant, fulfilling life. Ready to make a positive change in your mental health and overall wellness? Get in touch with the team at RT Counselling today to talk about your needs.
by Kelsey Taylor & Reuben Turkie 28 February 2024
Image via Pexels Why Gender Matters in the Weight Loss Battle Women may find it frustrating that they lose weight slower than men. The leading cause of this phenomenon is that men are generally larger and have more muscle mass than women. In addition, with the spike in progesterone usually in the lead up to menstruation, a woman will often consume more calories, resulting in weight gain of up to 10 pounds a year. Women also produce 15 to 20 times less testosterone than men, a hormone that burns fat. It is important to understand the differences between women and men and how those differences affect weight loss. RT Counselling offers these points to keep in mind. Understand Your Risk Women and men are more susceptible to different health conditions. Furthermore, women are more vulnerable to depression and osteoporosis than men. That said, we are seeing a rise in men coming forward and being more open with admitting depression, largely due to a wider acceptance amongst society that it is okay to talk about mental health issues. Men too have body conscious issues, particularly in what is deemed attractive as the fit, body building male. Likewise, in fashion, the media and press an increase in disordered eating has been seen in men and women portraying thinness as somehow more attractive than a normal, healthy body shape. Industries like dance, ballet, media and even sport can lead to disordered eating and self-loathing, with often tragic consequences. Gender profiling or stereotyping further complicates how we perceive ourselves. We must embrace choice that people can identify with or feel more comfortable in any gender or body type. More frequently people are being referred to as male bodied or female bodied so that this encompasses people who are trans or identify to another gender than they were ‘assigned at birth’. Body dysmorphia a psychological condition whereby the person literally sees there body as bigger, or thinner than it actually is, can be a crippling form of self-deprecating thoughts. Therefore, whatever gender you identify as, looking for ways to control your weight, adopt a preventative lifestyle for these concerns through diet, exercise, and stress-free living. Document Your Journey and Reset Your Eating Habits Meeting weight loss goals is more than maintaining a healthy diet. You should also be keeping a weight journal that notes your daily diet, emotional state, and aspirations. Set specific, attainable, and relevant expectations. Additionally, your goals should have measurable and time-limited objectives. Finally, mindful eating helps you enjoy your cuisine and makes you feel full sooner. Mindful eating involves: • Eating in a space with no distractions such as a television • Eating slowly • Focusing on the flavors and textures of your meal. • Drinking sufficient water Get Your Exercise Exercise is a component of weight loss that relieves stress and gets the body more muscular and toned. It releases endorphins and dopamine the natural happy drug we produce in the brain – win, win! For example, Pilates strengthens and lengthens your muscles while toning them. It achieves this through isometric training . As a result, doing Pilates reduces stress, stimulates weight loss, and increases energy. Some other widely available options you might consider are yoga, swimming, and hiking. Even walking regularly makes a difference. Use a map of your community to map out the best walking routes . Taking a 30-minute walk every day can be a significant boon to your overall health. Relieve Stress by Making Your Home Inspirational Living stress-free requires a healthy diet, quality sleep, and exercise. If you're not motivated to stay healthy, one helpful way to get back on track is to create a pleasant home environment. Do some decluttering, open your blinds, and add some houseplants . A little greenery can go a long way to making you feel better, and if you don’t have a green thumb, there are plenty of online resources to help you get a handle on keeping them happy and healthy. A change of scene can also help. Get outside and enjoy nature and sunshine, strolling in local parks or through your neighborhood. Design Your Home Office for Less Stress. Create a space with good natural lighting if you have a home office. When you don't have natural light, use full-spectrum light bulbs, which simulate natural light, reduce eye strain, and improve mental health. This type of light bulb also benefits indoor plants, which can likewise reduce stress. Additional tips to create a stress-free home office include decluttering your workspace and creating a storage system for files and documents. Organize Your Mind Organizing your living space and office will make you more comfortable, thus reducing stress. People can freeze up mentally in a cluttered space, so you can use stylish containers to store items that don't mesh with the room's design, such as toys, magazines, and important papers. Watching fish in an aquarium is sometimes hypnotizing and can take your mind away from your troubles . In addition, aquariums promote mental health, and senior living centers use them for Alzheimer's patients. Alternatively, hang pleasant and positive art or photographs. Reuben is a qualified Hypnotherapist and can help motivate you with weight management ro weight loss. You can find out more about how Hypnotherapy aids weight management here - Next Chapter Therapies. Organize Your Medical Files Keeping your medical files and documents organized is essential for maintaining your health and ensuring effective communication with healthcare providers. When it comes to sharing these important files with doctors, it's often more convenient to use PDFs rather than Microsoft Word, Excel, or PowerPoint files. PDFs are widely accepted and easier to view across different platforms. To enhance the ease of handling these files, you can use an online tool that allows you to manipulate, edit, and even rotate the orientation of your PDF . This can be especially useful if you have scanned documents that need adjusting. With these tools, you can simply drag and drop your files into the platform to edit them. This functionality ensures that your medical documents are not only well-organized but also readily accessible and presentable whenever you need to share them with healthcare professionals.  Eat Better, Move More, and Don't Stress To help prevent severe health conditions, maintain a balanced lifestyle that includes exercise, proper nutrition, and stress management. Use these tips while keeping the specific needs of women in mind to help guide you on the path to a healthy future. Therapy offers an important step in discovering the world around us and finding our place in it. For some people, coming to therapy is a big step. It can take courage to identify a need to heal, recover or progress. RT Counselling’s approach aims to ensure that you feel safe in the knowledge that you can trust the therapeutic process. Reuben holds these same values highly in his approach to Hypnotherapy. Why not get in touch today for a free no obligation consultation to discuss your specific needs: Hypnotherapy Contact RT Counselling Contact
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